In "Sex and the City," Charlotte famously suggests to the rest of the women in the group, "Maybe we could be each other's soulmates? And then we could let men be just these great nice guys to have fun with." That line has always resonated strongly with me - even when I first heard it in my early 20s, while I was in a long-term relationship. I think that's probably why Samantha was my favorite character on the show. Not because she slept around, but because she never centered her life around romantic relationships. In Samantha's world, Samantha came first. In the early 2000s, this was a radically feminist approach to life, and today it's finally being embraced by women.
In the last couple of years, there's been a lot of buzz around the idea of "decentering men" or going "boy sober." A number of celebrities - including Emily Ratajkowski, Julia Fox, Kate Hudson, and Drew Barrymore - have spoken openly about their choice to step back from dating men. This trend has gained even more attention with South Korea's 4B movement, a radical feminist initiative where women pledge not to date, marry, have children, or engage in sexual intimacy with men. The name 4B essentially translates to the "four nos."
While the trend of decentering men in the United States hasn't reached the same levels as it has in South Korea, many American women are embracing things like dating breaks or celibacy as a response to misogyny and patriarchy. They're not necessarily swearing off relationships with men altogether, and neither am I. My choice to not center sex or romantic love isn't just about men, either. It's more about my belief that life becomes a lot more enriching when we don't make it all about dating, sex, and finding a romantic connection. It's kind of like the saying, "When you aren't looking for love, it finds you." I'm a huge believer in that.
It wasn't the most culturally easy decision to make, though. I'm the eldest daughter and child of two Dominican immigrants and come from a culture that not only heavily values family, often centering everything around familisimo, but also very much centers and celebrates men. From a very young age, little girls are taught to care about their looks, that the most important thing we can be is pretty. As a kid, I remember my extended family members constantly praising my big hazel eyes, my long, thick eyelashes, and my long, dark hair.
I'm the eldest daughter and child of two Dominican immigrants and come from a culture that not only heavily values family, often centering everything around familisimo, but also very much centers and celebrates men.
But I always say that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for having parents who, despite being really strict when we were kids, were never traditional about expecting my siblings and me to get married and have kids. I never, ever felt that pressure from them. Getting an education, building a career, and creating a relationship with God was often preached at home. Even now, when I'm 39, my dad still reminds me that my future partner will come in God's timing - that I shouldn't give it too much thought. He often tells me that the fact that I'm not married and don't have children has never made him any less proud of me. If anything, he says he's proud of how well I've built my life on my own and how I've stayed true to myself by not settling.
Not everyone in my extended family sees things the way my parents do. But I think that because many of my tias married and had kids at a very young age - mostly in their early 20s - I also never experienced the "Y tu novio?" pressure that many Latinas face. I do acknowledge that this isn't the experience of most Latinas, though I wish it were.
The only person who was eager to see me finally get married, especially after breaking off an engagement from an almost 10-year relationship in my 20s, was my Abuela Celeste. But even she finally came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to settle into a relationship just to check off marriage and motherhood from a milestone list.
Growing up in a household where my parents truly loved and respected each other, where we were financially stable, and where my mom had the luxury to choose to be a stay-at-home mom taught me that none of that would ever be enough for me. I see marriage as a bonus, not a goal - something I might experience if I'm lucky enough to meet the perfect match in this lifetime. As for motherhood, it's something I'll only consider if I meet the right person, because I'll want to share that adventure with them. But if that person never comes along, or if they come along when I am no longer able to have children, I won't feel like I've missed out.
I see marriage as a bonus, not a goal - something I might experience if I'm lucky enough to meet the perfect match in this lifetime.
After walking away from a relationship that spanned nearly my entire twenties, from 19 to 28, I found it difficult to approach dating in the way the world was now doing it, with dating apps and speed dating. It all felt forced and desperate to me. But the pressure to date and the constant reminder that my biological clock was ticking were always the reasons why I'd put myself out there. It's why I'd occasionally join dating apps like Bumble or Hinge. It's the only reason why I'd go on a second date or even a third with that "nice guy" I didn't actually feel motivated to see or text back. It's why I'd drag things out for three months instead of ending things after three dates, even when I saw plenty of red flags or knew I was never going to feel for the other person what they were confessing they were feeling for me. It felt like something I was obligated to do as a woman in my 30s.
But here's the thing: dating can be exhausting. It takes time and energy. The apps are full of toxic love bombers disguised as "the potential one." I would entertain the idea of them because I'd convince myself that since I was doing the "work" of putting myself out there, I must be manifesting these options. In reality, all those men did was take up time and energy, constantly projecting their expectations of how they desired to be loved onto me. But a more natural or organic connection would tend to appear when dating was the very last thing I was thinking about. I also noticed that dating regularly was making me a serious cynic, whereas whenever it wasn't a focus, I was a lot more inviting and open to it.
I've met most of my close guy friends during seasons when dating was completely off the table for me, when I was open to genuine friendship and connection. In my book, those all count as wins. When I stopped allowing society to put the "biological clock" pressure on me, I started feeling a lot more comfortable embracing longer seasons of celibacy and not dating. And when I finally froze my eggs, it gave me peace of mind to know that if I were to meet someone special now or in my early 40s, I could at least consider motherhood.
For me, de-prioritizing dating is similar to how many women today are decentering men. It simply means making space to focus on myself instead of always (consciously or subconsciously) trying to meet the right person.
For me, de-prioritizing dating is similar to how many women these days are decentering men. All it means is that I hold space to put myself first rather than focusing everything - subconsciously or not - on meeting my person.
People have asked me why I haven't moved to Europe or embarked on a nomadic life, given that I'm open to not finding my person and not having kids. And to those people, I say, I don't need to live an "Eat Pray Love" adventure to be comfortable with the fact that my life still very much centers around me. Part of the fun is just in the mental calm. I don't have any anxiety about whether I'll ever meet the love of my life. I'm also constantly working on myself, whether through therapy or coaching - mostly for me, but also to help me show up as the best version of myself for any relationship, whether it's family, friends, or a potential partner.
I wish we lived in a world that wasn't defined by couples and families. That didn't accuse women like me of being bitter, scorned, or traumatized just because we'd rather spend our time taking ourselves out for a spa day or socializing with friends than swiping through dating app profiles or placing ourselves in environments where we're more likely to meet a potential mate. I wish we lived in a world where celibacy was respected just as much as hookup culture, and where a woman's choices about how to spend her time are no one's concern but her very own. And I wish for every young Latina woman to never feel like her worth needs to be tied to whether she has a man.
Johanna Ferreira is the content director for PS Juntos. With more than 10 years of experience, Johanna focuses on how intersectional identities are a central part of Latine culture. Previously, she spent close to three years as the deputy editor at HipLatina, and she has freelanced for numerous outlets including Refinery29, Oprah magazine, Allure, InStyle, and Well+Good. She has also moderated and spoken on numerous panels on Latine identity.
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